Rock Meets Prada

Happy 10 months

You are 10 months today (though you are only 6 months in that photo above), my sweet Luna girl.  One year ago, I was still preparing for you to come into this world and you had dropped low in my belly, indicating that you were getting ready too.  I was worried you'd come early, so I had daddy running around nesting with me, making sure everything was in order.  You took your time and came two months and two days later.  It's a cliche and everyone told me that this would happen, but really, the time is going by so fast.

Sometimes I get all teary-eyed when daddy and I are reminiscing late at night before bed.  We remember those middle of the night feedings when we'd hear you cry to let us know you were hungry.  Daddy would prop himself on the pillows and feed you a bottle and I'd pump your next bottle.  Then he'd quietly wait for you to go poo while he dozed.  You did it every single time.  He'd change your diaper and swaddle you and then hand you to me and I'd sit and rock you to sleep.  I am not sure why we thought we had to rock you to sleep, as you later showed us that really, you're fine going to sleep on your own.  Nevertheless, I will remember those late night cradles forever.

Now you're a big girl.  You're almost a year.  You're not crawling yet, but that's okay by me.  These days you're cuddly and affectionate and you want to be held a bunch.  I don't get much done when you're awake, but I wouldn't give up those hugs and holds for anything.  When you're at daycare, I miss you so much I go into your room and smell your clothes, blankets and lovie.  I just want to be near you all the time.  Sometimes I fantasize about curling up in your crib just to surround myself with your scent. 

I love you, Luna girl.  I love you so much that I can feel it from depths in me that I never knew existed.  I love you so much I have to sometimes catch my breath.  We are so lucky that you are in our lives.

And now, I have to start planning your 1 year birthday party.

Super Bad

After watching Super Bad (so good!!), I went to check in on the Luna girl before brushing my teeth.  In the dim light I noticed a spot on her crib sheet so I touched it and it was crusty.  I then noticed the faint smell of puke.  So, I got the small flashlight and shown it in the crib and panicked when I saw the big circle of puke my baby was sleeping in.  I immediately got D and we set into action.

Poor Luna girl had puked a bunch and it was all in her hair (she looked like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary).  D gave her a bath while I changed all of her bedding including the bumpers.  She also had poop in the diaper.  I was so upset...I just felt so bad for her.  We both did.  Poor thing, she wasn't quite awake and looking at us like what the heck is going on and by the end of her bath she was so miserable.  I tried to give her some water, but she would only take about an ounce.

This morning she had major diarreha.  I am not sure if it's still part of the awful cold or if she's having an allergic reaction to the tofu I gave her last night.  Maybe she's allergic to soy?  I gave her small pieces of tofu in chicken broth, as she was hungry and I thought it would be like soup. 

Anyway, she is still home with me, as I am struggling to work on the Strategic Plan with the other folks who are at writing camp in San Diego.

Needy Equals....

When Luna girl was first born, I think we worried that we'd have a needy kid on our hands.  I am not sure of all the reasons we worried about it... maybe it's because we were intent on not losing our "old life", where we were in control and we could still do "our own thing".  Maybe it's because we'd experienced other needy kids and we didn't want to become "those people."  Maybe it's because I have been faced with a needy mother for so long that I cringed at the thought of anything needing me.  Somehow, needy = bad.

So, we encouraged her independence.  We were set on sleep training her.  We were set on having her sleep in her own room, in her own bed.  We panicked every time we had to put her in bed with us for some precious hours of sleep.  We tried putting her down for play time...alone...very early on.  I remember distinctly the evening that my friend Kala came over...Luna was maybe two weeks old.  Up to that point I had been able to feed her, swaddle her and put her down awake and she'd fall asleep for 3-4 hours straight...without fail.  Only this time, I had just fed her, swaddled her, put her in the crib and she cried.  And I thought, what in the world could be wrong?  Didn't she have everything she needed?  And then Kala pointed out that she wanted to be held.  I literally panicked.  Held?  What if she wanted to be held all the time?  Would I have to give up my life to hold this kid all the time?  Not to make excuses for my coldness, but I was in the throws of post-partum at this time...still...

Fortunately, Luna was already independent....bred into her through genetics perhaps?  She wanted to play alone, didn't want to be cuddled.  She was easily sleep trained...she went to sleep on her own...all we needed to do was put her in the crib awake.  Or was she?  Did I encourage it or was she already programmed this way?

These days I kick myself for being so worried about having a needy child.  Heck, I pine for a needy child and daydream about co-sleeping with the next one and nursing until they are 4 years old (if there is a next one).  So while Luna is sick, I am enjoying her cuddle-ness.  As much as I hate her being sick, I can't help but love my time with her.  I get her up from a nap, change her diaper, sit on the big comfy chair in the living room, wrap us in a blanket, try to give her a bottle, one ounce at a time, and in between, she sucks her fingers, fondles her lovie and snuggles up against me.  We can spend up to an hour like that.  And I hold her close and smell her sweet head and cup her feet and rub her belly and hate myself for worrying back then that one day all she'd want to do is be held.  These days, needy = good.

And speaking of getting up from naps...my asshole cat, Gerund, just jumped in her crib and woke her up.  I heard him meowing over the monitor as I try to work in the office, i.e., update the blog.  Asshole.

Guilty

Oh the guilt.  I am trying to wean from the pumping and sometimes my heart breaks when I think back on last 10 months of pumping.  I remember being so fanatical about it....for a good three months my whole life revolved pumping every three hours.  I remember being so anxious and feeling trapped that I was so tied to this pump.  I didn't even participate in my mommy's group because I couldn't get the timing right so that she was napped, fed and I was pumped within a three hour timeframe.  And I think back on all the places I pumped:

• United airlines flight from SFO to NYC (and back)
• Bathroom at Pier where Tommy got married
• Target parking lot
• Ikea parking lot
• Honda dealership parking lot
• Corte Madera mall parking lot
• Central Park in NYC
• Various people's bathrooms and bedrooms
• Countless drives along the 101
• In the back of my sister-in-law's Suburban on the way to Taos from ABQ

And then my supply skyrocketed...and I didn't feel so trapped anymore.  Pumping just became part of my life and daily routine and I stopped pumping in the middle of the night and life got easier.  I then I went from 7 times a day to 5.  And then to 4.  And even so, I had about 60 4-5 ounce bags in the freezer.  So I decided to try some of the frozen milk before I went back to work.

The frozen milk smelled funky and it tasted even worse.  It smelled and tasted spoiled.  Luna was not enthusiastic about drinking it.  I thought it might be the way I defrosted it.  So I tried different ways of defrosting it...but to no avail.  It always tasted and smelled bad.  So I did some research and then called a lactation consultant and learned that my body produces excessive lipase which in turn breaks down the fat of my milk when frozen.  This results in foul smelling and/or tasting milk, even though the milk is fine.  So every time I open the freezer I see these endless bags of frozen milk, reminders of the hours spent pumping, the anxiety that came with doing it every three hours no matter where I was and the care in bagging it and freezing it.  But even more importantly (and more painfully), I am reminded that (1) my baby did not want to breastfeed and (2) my body has failed me once again. 

The memories of trying to breastfeed come flooding back with so much pain, I feel it in my stomach and chest.  They hit me like a ton of bricks and then the guilt sets in...

Why did I care so much?  Why did it mean so much?  Was it about me?  Did I not try hard enough?  Did I hold her incorrectly?  Did I give in to the bottle too easily?  And then...

Why am I weaning?  Why do I want to wean?  Can't I do this just a little longer?  Don't you see how much more she likes the breast milk than the formula?  Like yesterday when she was sick and I managed to pump out two ounces...she happily drank it even when she wouldn't take anything else (including the yummy pear juice that you vowed you'd put off because you don't want her to get used to the sweet stuff)...and yet, you want to quit? 

I will always feel like a failure.  I will always feel like my body failed me and I didn't try hard enough.  I can't just be proud of the fact that I've pumped for this long and that for essentially 7 months she got breast milk exclusively.  I will always feel guilty.

Random Thoughts

So now it's 2008 and wow, what a year 2007 was.  The biggest adventure of my life....since Luna was born.  Here's a quick update.

1.  Luna now has two bottom teeth.  I think her second one followed closely behind the first one.

2.  Still no crawling.  Daddy and I have determined that it's her heavy head.  She tries will all her might to get up on all fours, but she ends up trying to push herself up with her neck and head.  She just can't lift it once she gets up on her knees and hands.  Poor baby.

3.  Her temperament continues to develop (shall we say...).  Oy, she has quite the temper, especially when she is tired.

4.  We went to Taos for Xmas.  She did well there and everyone got to love her and pay attention to her.  Mommy barely survived, but little Luna did great and even continued sleeping her 12 - 13 hour nights.

5.  We're now using a cloth diaper service and we love it.  They pick up and drop off every Monday.  The service is exceptional and we're convinced this is going to help her potty train early.  Although we once tried to get her on the potty while she was making the poopoo face and she screamed bloody murder.  I guess she's not ready yet....go figure.

5.  She is now eating dairy (yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, things cooked with milk, cream cheese), chicken broth (and today we're going to try real chicken), lentils, and wheat (toast, semolina, Cheerios, and pasta).  Suffice it to say, she LOVES dairy.  Oh, and she can feed herself now....well, sorta.  Over the past three weeks she has improved greatly and almost has the "pincher" grasp down to a T.

6.  Mommy and Daddy have some new year's resolutions:  no refined sugar in January, alcohol only on the weekends, and lose 5 pounds by Hawaii.  We're going to Hawaii at the end of February!!!!

7.  I gave D a mountain biking trip to Moab for Xmas.  I am the best wife ever.

8.  Luna's now at Rejany's daycare.  Our "oh so fabulous" nanny quit unexpectedly after three weeks, so we rushed to find daycare for Luna.  A note came across the SRMC email list about this wonderful daycare only a few blocks from our house.  We spent an hour there and much like real estate decisions in the Bay Area, we dropped a deposit that same day.  We took a leap of faith and so far it's working out great.  Luna loves it there and Rejany loves Luna.  And even though it is so expensive, she does offer free night babysitting.  We took advantage of that offer and went out to the Roadhouse for my birthday with Vik, Ian, Kiki and Matthew, and Ted and Sarah.

9.  We finally painted the bedroom (Restoration Hardware Cappuccino and Buttermilk).  I love it!

10.  I think I am finally done pumping. Over the Xmas break, I went from 4-5 ounces and two times a day to 4 ounces once a day.  Also, she is only drinking 4 bottles these days.  It's hard to write about as it carries with it so much emotion.....I just need to say it and be done with it, but I will hold this close for a long time to come.  It will be so strange to pack up the Medela Pump In Style....I have lived and breathed it for almost 10 months.  It helped keep and almost made me lose my sanity.

And now for new Luna pix:

Eating Trader Joe's Organic European Style Plain yogurt (believe it or not, she really loves it)

The retired Boppy and handmade baby blanket from Grandma Selma are a comfy bed for Gerund.

She just looked so damn cute.  She LOVES chomping on cell phones.

Note the drool dripping from her chin and Mommy's third attempt at cutting bangs.