Rock Meets Prada

Worrying

Last night I noticed a missed call from Luna's pedi at 7PM.  Strange.  She called again this morning and this time I picked up.

Dr. Brown spoke to Dr. Sun, the neurosurgeon who Luna saw when she was just weeks old (for the big head and possible pressure on her brain).  She was recommending a MRI for Luna given her physical and developmental delays.  Dr. Sun agreed.  We'll need to schedule that as soon as possible.  Dr. Brown admitted that she isn't looking for anything specific, but she wants to rule out any brain abnormalities that might be the cause of Luna's delays.  She would also like her to see a neurologist.  Dr. Brown was so sweet and understanding on the phone.  It's her day off and she made the time to call me.  Does that mean she's extra concerned?  Needless to say, I  broke down on the phone with Dr. Brown.  I am so worried about the results and I hate putting Luna through all of this.  I think they have to put her out for the MRI.  It's going to kill me seeing her go through that, even though I know it's painless.

To make matters worse, I called the Regional Center today and spoke to our case worker about Dr. Brown's concerns over Luna's cognitive delays.  Pat said given the concerns and delays, she's going to set us up with an Easter Seals teacher who will come to our house and work with Luna up to two times a week or more.

Coincidentally, I spoke to my boss today about how bored I've been.  As much I'd like to take more work on and perhaps even go back up to 80%, I just can't manage it right now.  I want to be available to Luna for all the therapy and doctors appointments.

I am worried sick.  Every time I talk about it today, I start crying.  So I choose to write instead of talk.  I can't even pass her room without my heart beating faster.   And I sure as hell can't concentrate on work....not that there is much for me to concentrate on, but still.

We'll take it day by day....and I guess I'll just try not to drive myself crazy in the meantime.

Moments

Last night around 1:20AM, Luna girl started crying.  We let her CIO for about 15 minutes, but it was obvious that she was really struggling, so I decided to go to her.  Part of the reason I went to her was because I am really connecting with her these days.  I told D that I felt like I was in complete infatuation with her.....comparable to when you are in a relationship.  I am just in a groove with her.  We are getting along well and I am in one of those modes when I feel like I don't want to be apart from her.

Anyway, I made a 4oz. bottle and she downed it in less than 5 minutes and then started protesting for more, so I carried her to the kitchen and made her another 3oz. bottle.  She downed that too.  Then I laid her down to change her diaper, fully expecting her to cry, but she quietly let me do the changing.  Then I put her in her sleep sack and settled into the glider and rocked her for a long time while she snuggled close, sucked her fingers, and held lovie close.  It was precious and even in my bleary eyed state, I appreciated how far and few these moments are with her.  She so rarely lets me hold her so close and it's so rare that I can comfort her this way, so I hesitated to put her down at all.  When I finally did, she was almost asleep and we didn't hear another peep until 6:45AM.

Recently I started to think she might be transitioning to one nap, as she was sleeping extra long in the AM.  Her whole schedule got thrown off because she also still needed a PM nap, but because she slept so long in the AM, the PM nap was pretty late.  That meant a later bed time.  I've given up so much control since she was born but realize the strict schedule I hold her to is my one outlet for imposing control.  Fortunately, I know it serves her well, but the downside is that I get really stressed out when the control gets thrown off.  I started to panic over the thought of a new bedtime and new nap time routine.  I guess I'll never be completely control free.

In other news, we had a lovely shower for Kala this past weekend (photos coming soon).  The menu included:

• bruschetta with gorgonzola and honey
• prosciutto and fontina biscuits with cinnamon/vanilla butter
• smoked salmon on crackers with cream cheese, meyer lemons and dill
• portobello mushroom lasagna with bechamel sauce
• green salad
• coconut layer cake
• wine and sparklers

We also did an Aarathi ceremony to wish a safe delivery, healthy pregnancy and wonderful children.  We followed by a ceremony where we placed bangles on her wrists to stimulate the babies and make them happy.  It was all very sweet.   

And on Sunday I planted my first veggie garden:

• three kinds of tomatoes
• sweet peas
• corn
• parsley, chives and basil
• carrots
• onions
• butter lettuce
• mesculan
• arugula
• broccoli
• cucumbers
• watermelon
• hot peppers

I am so excited, but also very worried that everything is going to die.  I'll post pix of the garden soon too.

I Am

I now know that I would never want to be a single mom.  D was gone for four days and I was home alone with Luna girl.  And we were both sick.  D decided to come home a day early from his trip home to NYC, as I was having such a hard time managing.  Good thing too, as Luna girl took a turn for the worse yesterday.

We went to the doc on Friday for her 12-month check-up and shots.  That day she had signs of a slight cold.  But as the weekend wore on, she got worse.  Sunday she was totally lethargic and ended up coughing so much she threw up all over herself and her bed.  I gave her another bath at 9PM to wash the puke out of her hair and tried putting her back down.  I wanted her to sleep with me, as I was worried and didn't want to be separated from her (plus all of her bedding was now in the wash).  I placed in her my bed surrounded by pillows and after about 1/2 hour of struggling, she managed to fall asleep sideways on the bed.  Since I was getting tired too, I gently tried to move her to middle of the bed lengthwise, but that was a very bad idea and it woke her up and she managed to stay awake for the next 2 1/2 hours.  I finally lost my patience with her and after a yell at her (which I now feel very, very guilty about) I put her in her crib.

I felt terrible the next day.  I felt alone, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, guilty...I tried to examine why I lost my patience with her.  At this point I was thinking that maybe I am not fit to be a mom or maybe I am not enjoying it anymore or maybe, I just can't/don't want to do it alone.  Upon further examination....I realized it was a lot of things.

1. Luna's personality.  Truth be told, I am not sure if I get Luna.  She's my flesh and blood and I just don't get her needs a lot of the time.  I struggle with her neediness because it feel suffocating sometimes.  She wants me around her all the time, but most of the time she wants me around her to entertain her.  And I would like her to want me around her to hold her, cuddle her, soothe her.  But the fact is, she's not easily soothed by me.  She is not someone who wants to be cuddled.  So when we have episodes like Sunday night, I have this vision for what will soothe her:  co-sleeping, cuddling in my arms, a bottle, etc.  And she doesn't want any of that and to top it off, given her personality, she fights me when I try to offer these things.  She arches her back, hits me, scratches me, screeches, tosses and turns, throws her lovie around....it's an endless battle.  Sunday night ended with me rocking her and cuddling her, but I think that's only because by that time she was completely exhausted and she was also upset at me yelling at her.  At that point, what choice did she have?  But obviously, I don't want to get her to be soothed by me by yelling at her.
2. Luna's physical delays.  I don't think I've fully appreciated how stressful and painful this has been.  I am so frustrated that we aren't further along.  I am exhausted with the stress of feeling so responsible....must take her to Physical Therapy, must do exercises with her everyday (even when she's sick), must have her wear her compression shorts during all waking hours of every day, must see improvements, must notice that she's not like her peers, must deal with other moms (some of whom are very close friends) gloat about how their child is standing up, walking, talking, etc., must worry that every time we go to the doctor there is a new "symptom" (on Friday, Dr. Brown said Luna was delayed because she isn't responding to her name, pointing, following my point, waving good bye), must worry that she won't ever get to where she needs to be.....I am sick with worry and completely overwhelmed by it.
3. D's job or lack thereof.  I am trying to be patient and I know he is stressed too.  But it's like the elephant in the room or the cloud over us.  What does he want to do?  Will he find something that makes him happy?  Does he even know what that is or what it looks like?  Will he end up having to commute?  Will that make him miserable?  Will it make us miserable?  What does our financial future look like?  I feel guilty every time I spend money, as I just don't know where we'll end up.  I worry about him.  I want him to be happy.  I really, really do.  And I want us to be happy too.  But I've stopped knowing what happy looks like when it comes to jobs.  I just want to know where we'll end up and not have to keep thinking about it anymore.  I am sure he feels the same way.  I just worry that he'll take some job, in the city and hate both the commute and the job.  And then we're back to square one.
4. My job.  My job is so boring, I can't even be motivated anymore.  And I don't know how to solve the problem....well, okay, I could solve it by working more (80%) or full-time, but that would mean commuting and I don't want to commute (for reasons I'll explain in #5).  And I don't know if it's because I only work part-time, or because I work from home, or because I work for a new boss, but I just end up doing all this boring, tedious, administrative crap that bores me (and frustrates me) to no end.  I feel like I am capable of doing so much more, but given my current situation, I don't think more is realistic.
5. My responsibilities as a mom and wife.  I feel overwhelmed with my responsibilities.  Between taking care of Luna, making her food, making us food, cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, doing the laundry, working, trying to work out, planning D's birthday party, Kala's baby shower, our trip to Moab, and Kiki's bachlorette party, I am just flat out exhausted.  I don't feel like I get a break.  And all of this was exacerbated by the fact that I've been sick and was sick while D was away.  Long gone are the days of laying on the couch to recover....I have too much to do to rest now.  And as much as I realized that D is so helpful, I still carry most of the weight and responsibility.  And again, it's exacerbated by the fact that he's distant and pre-occupied with work.  I just want a break and I don't want to feel guilty for the break.  And given all that I have going on and all that D has going on, we are so distant from each other.  We spend every day together and I can feel the distance between us.  It is palatable.   If I was commuting or working full-time, I would feel even more overwhelmed between trying to get Luna's stuff ready for each day, taking care of dinner, trying to work out, and most importantly, trying to spend time with Luna and my husband.

I am grouchy and tired.  I am stressed and overwhelmed.  I am worried.  I am still sick.  I am frustrated and angry.  I am inpatient and guilty.

I want to get to the other side of all of this.

Facing the Facts

The facts:

• I am a different shape than before.  It doesn't matter if I lose weight (which I am), many of my old pants will not fit.  My hips and butt are wider.  Time to face this fact.
• Losing weight is easy if you don't eat refined sugar and carbs.  But it sucks to not have pasta, pastries, cookies or bread that doesn't look like it was made from twigs and mud.
• The more you work out, the easier it gets.  Running a 5k on the treadmill while watching the Food Network (and all the sugar and carbs you can't have) is the best way.
• Luna girl is signifcantly delayed physically.  She is the equivalent of a six-month old.  The facts are that it will take intensive physical therapy to get her where she needs to be.  We will go once a week for an indefinite amount of time...that is, until she is walking, crawling or pulling herself up (none of which she is doing right now).  The facts are that it's stressful for many reasons, some of which include:  you can't help but feel sorry for her, especially around other kids, it's a lot of work and a lot of pressure to "do the right thing" and maintain her exercises on a daily basis, it's frustrating when she throws a fit out of frustration from not being able to move, communicate or when she doesn't like doing specific exercises, it's scary to think how long it might be before she's caught up to her peers, you never think there will be something "wrong" with your kid.  Her condition is called "low tone", which basically means her trunk and legs are weak.  In the past month of going to physical therapy, we've definitely seen some improvements, but the progress is slow.  It will be slow for a while.  This is a fact.
• Luna girl can now sorta wave goodbye and sign the word, "More." 
• Luna girl needs a backpack, as she can no longer really tolerate the Ergo on hikes.  We are watching Craigslist and Ebay for a Sherpani.
• We drove Luna to Bodega Bay this weekend to see the whales.  There were no whales, but we enjoyed a nice drive.

Although last year was technically Luna's first Easter, we enjoyed this Easter much more:

The Easter basket Mommy made.

Opening all the goodies.

Pure and utter LOVE.