Last week my friend came over for lunch on Friday with her 5 1/2 month old daughter. Her visit coincided with feelings of nostalgia I'd been feeling recently. I miss the baby-baby phase with Luna. I am not sure why. Perhaps that phase was easier for me. Or rather, she was easier. She slept a lot, only drank breastmilk and a little formula, was easily transportable, and cried very little. Yes, it was easier.
I am not sure why this phase now, the toddler phase, is so difficult for me. It's exhausting and frustrating, and wonderful and amazing all at the same time. Luna is prone to tantrums at the drop of hat, so I guess I am often on the edge of my seat waiting for the next outburst. And when Luna is awake, I am on. That means I am either on the floor with her playing, feeding her, or trying to get us out of the house so I can get a break from playing with her or holding her. It sounds like I don't enjoy myself, but I guess I like to think of it as not enjoying this phase.
Most kids her age have grown out of taking two naps. Luna still takes two long naps each day between 9-11 and 1-3 or 2-4. When I have her all to myself, I sometimes count the minutes to those nap times and have no desire for her to grow out of them. I look forward to the break. I need the break. I relish the break. It is during this time that I can do some chores, check email, eat something, fold laundry, make calls, watch tv.....things I find hard to do when she's awake because she constantly demands my attention.
I often wonder if Luna's temperment and demands are due to her medical issues, genetics, a combination, or more importantly, my parenting skills. Have I not encouraged enough independence? Do I not discipline enough? I guess it boils down to the question, "Am I doing something wrong?" But frankly, after all the therapies and "exercises at home", signing, gear to put on, food to make, laundry to do, not to mention house to run, I am just flat out wiped mentally to generate any more "to do's" on the discipline front. It just seems like one more exercise to implement and most days, I am so burned out on trying to just one of these things.
One of Luna's PT recently told me that she thinks Luna is more frustrated than the average kid her age. Again, why? With no answer, she armed me with a set of suggestions on discipline, but noted that it was absoultly crucial that both D and I conduct the discipline consistently (which translates to every time she hits and/or throws a tantrum). I've tried it most times she begins to arch her back and claw at me, but seeing as how she does this several times a day, I am sometimes too exhausted to deal with it and I'd rather just ignore it by telling her a firm, "no". Now, the tools she gave me were to give Luna 1 minute time outs and lot's of ignoring. This results in an even bigger fit from Luna, and thus, the exhaustion of having to deal with it. Not that I would ever in a million years lay a finger on Luna, but honestly, in moments when she is slapping me and flinging herself about, you can understand to a degree why some parents who don't have more resources or wits about them, hit their kids. Luna's behavior seriously sends me through the roof sometimes.
And speaking of dealing, D is off for a weekend of debauchery and mountain biking. I cannot help but feel a bit like I did during the PPD days...feelings of anxiety of being alone with Luna. Almost like I am not capable of taking care of her by myself. Now in reality, I know we'll do just fine, but with D being home so much since the layoff, I've gotten so used to his help. And I am anxious about having to face each day feeing her, changing her, playing with her, putting on the equipment, exercising her, dealing with tantrums and frustrations, getting us out of the house....yeah, and I wonder why I drink so much wine these days...
In Luna news,
- She has developed a fascination with magnets. Loves them.
- Three teeth coming in. Two back ones on the right and one back one on the bottom on the left.
- She loves rocks and so we spend time outside in the front yard playing with the rocks, climbing the walkway stairs, and crawling up and down the sidewalk on the street.
- She can walk a good distance when we hold her up.
- Sometimes when she is very distracted she can stand for a few seconds.
- Maybe words for car, bubble and book? Hard to tell.
- More coloring, more stacking things
- Standing up in the crib
