I've contemplated writing this for a long time. This blog set out to capture all of the precious moments and grand milestones of Luna's first years. But last summer the definition of precious moment and milestone changed for us and I started hating the word milestone. I hated measuring Luna to some standard that she's wasn't meeting and I hated feeling like there was something wrong with her. I began to hate recording each milestone because each milestone was such a struggle for her...for us. I felt robbed of the joy a mom is supposed to feel with each step and my heart broke every time that other parents were celebrating and we couldn't share in the excitement.
At some point, I just decided to let Luna be who she is and stop comparing her to a "standard", a milestone chart, a developmental guideline...and if I am really honest with myself, I stopped wanting to talk about her. Each day was such a struggle for me....she went from my sweet, quiet, mellow little baby to a baby with a toddler temperament. For her, the result was frustration, hitting, slapping, tantrums, biting....and for me, what was once fun and all-consuming, became something that I very much wanted to run from. I went from not wanting to spend five minutes with her, to feeling resentful and suffocated within the first five minutes of being with her.
I stopped enjoying being a mom...in part because Luna became so difficult and in part because I was scared and exhausted of what was happening to us. I was tired of all the therapies. I was tired of all the doctor appointments. I was tired of Luna's temperament. I was tired of the tedious and monotonous activities. I was tired of being so limited to what we could and couldn't do. For example, going to the park was a challenge since she wasn't walking. And I was tired of being around other kids her age who were in a totally different place than her.
And so I moved on. I went back to work full-time. I can't say it was a difficult decision. It was a welcome change from taking care of her almost full-time. At last, I had full on adult conversations. I had time to myself. I could go out to lunch by myself or with friends and co-workers. And more importantly, I had time away from her. And honestly, that made me a better person and a better mom. I found patience that I didn't have before.
Coincidentally, although Luna had a really hard time at first, she finally adjusted. And within a month, she was making significant progress...progress she hadn't made in months. She went from barely cruising and pulling her self up to toddling and walking with assistance. She went from saying 10 words to having 40 words she used regularly. Don't get me wrong, she is still a little tantrum whirlwind, but it's amazing how much being able to communicate has helped her frustration level. Today she walks almost entirely independently, she signs, she communicates with words and gestures, and she finally shows us that she is ready to be a toddler...not a toddler in a baby's body.
I don't feel like recounting all that we've been through in the last year except to say that we've since gotten a second opinion from another neurologist, who doesn't necessarily believe there is something seriously wrong with her. And we've seen a geneticist twice and had three extensive genetics tests which have all come back normal. We've seen a psychologist and autism expert who have assured us Luna is not autistic. We've also gotten her hearing checked and her eyes checked to confirm that the "extra liquid" in her brain is not causing any problems. She's been poked and prodded more times that I care to count and at some point along this road, D and I just decided that we'd had enough. No more tests.
Where does that leave us? Well, the geneticists are true academics and they see Luna as a research case or perhaps a paper to publish....for isn't it so strange that all the tests have come back normal? So we agreed to one more test and one more MRI and then....well, end of story. We may never know why this has happened to her. But really? What would knowing do? It wouldn't necessary change anything.
So I am focused on celebrating her accomplishments and progress; even if it isn't at the same pace as her peers. And I am enjoying my time back at work. I can't say I love my job, but I love my time there. I am still working on dealing with Luna's temperament and aggression. I won't lie...I miss my little baby. But I try to think long term and appreciate that some day, as a girl, this temperament will come in handy. Luna...well my Luna is not going to take shit from anyone. Including me. She'll hold her own...and for that, I am grateful.
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