Scared of What...

For the past two nights, I have cried.  I haven't cried in a long time, but have been very emotional these past few days.  I am flooded with feelings of resentment and fear, anxiety and loss, nostalgia and pessimism.  I think it started with the fact that Luna is refusing to take a nap at daycare.  Apparently, she stands in her crib and screams and asks for more and more books and massage.  This coming from my previously dream sleeper.  And at night, she is cranky and tired, but cries, wails, and begs not to go night night at bedtime either.  I don't understand the change.  I don't understand why this is happening.  And like all kid-related-out-of-my-control matters (i.e., everything), I WANT ANSWERS!

Which brings me to the crying....I just want someone to tell me how to do this parenting thing.  I want to know the logical reasons why Luna didn't breastfeed, why she has developmental delays and why sometimes she eats and sometimes she doesn't and now, why she doesn't nap at daycare all of sudden after nearly 20 months of her life there, but she'll nap at home today.  I can feel the anxiety tingle from my fingertips, all the way to my toes...ultimately, I want to fix it.  And I never seem to be able to find a way to do so....but I want to so badly.

To top it off, recently, we've been trying to take Luna to playgrounds, parks, and gymnastics for 1-2 year olds to work on her physical abilities (even though she's almost 2 1/2, we thought developmentally she'd be better off with the 1-2 year olds).  We're trying to encourage her to run, climb and balance.  Over the past few weeks, she's grown less enthusiastic and more and more frustrated.  If she falls, she'll often get very frustrated to the point of not wanting to do anything else or she'll have a meltdown.  We try pushing her to do more, or try distracting her with the the "easy" things she likes to do (swings), but often times she's so disinterested and frustrated that we end up having to leave.  Take today for instance, we took her the 1-2 year old gymnastics class and after about 10 minutes of the 50 minute class, she had tantrum after tantrum and didn't want to do anything else except cry and be held.  All because she wanted more singing after the initial singing portion of the class at the beginning.  How disappointing it is to know that most kids her age would have to be dragged away from this place.

 

In addition, we try to schedule regular playdates or social gatherings with other kids around her age who are for the most part, further along physically and speech-wise (i.e. talking in sentences).  A majority of the time, Luna does not play or interact with the other kids - be it one-on-one or in a group.  She'll either play by herself or demand to be close/held by Dylan or me.  She'll often get very whiny during these times.

 

One interesting note is that while on vacation last week, she spent a fair bit of time with her two cousins (ages 3 and 10) and she was incredibly comfortable with them even though she only sees them 1 or 2 times a year.  It was the first time I'd really seen her play with other kids and not need D or me nearby all the time.  She also did a great job of following the 3-year old, which meant that she was pushing herself physically.  Her speech therapist also noted that she made progress speech wise and is talking a lot more since the vacation. I wish we could pinpoint what made her so comfortable there so that we could try to duplicate it here.

 

Our concern is that despite how she did on the vacation with her cousins, she is getting more and more frustrated with her physical inabilities and more and more intimidated by other children.  The latter is a significant concern as we begin to think about preschool for her.  We are also concerned that she doesn't seem to play with other children - again another concern when it comes to thinking about preschool.  Since her cousins don't live nearby, we're not sure how to encourage her to interact and/or play with other kids.  And we're certainly at a loss of how to encourage her physically when she completely shuts down.... 

 

We were considering a normal preschool for her, and even thinking about trying to get her into a program as soon as possible, but now we are rethinking this both in terms of her physical abilities, but also in terms of how she'll get along with other kids.

I know I sound like a bad mother....but sometimes I feel like I am a bad mother for not enjoying all of this more.  Sometimes I just don't feel like I get how to do this or if I even like doing this.  Every day has some sort of challenge and I long for a day when things will just go right....as planned.  I know that's just the control part of me that wants to be able to control all of these things.  But, that's exactly it.  This whole parenting thing is so hard and so scary for me because I can't control any of it.